Thursday, May 15, 2008

And Now We're To This Stage

I have to admit that the different stages of grief have been interesting. I've gone through the stages just like the books said I would - I'm a rule follower like that. And now I'm here...but I'm not sure where "here" is.

I've accepted the situation. Don't get me wrong - It sucks, I mean it REALLY sucks. But I'm past the daily fits of sobbing and the terror of how to continue living without his help.

And now we're moving on. That, my friend, is the problem. We're just moving on like nothing happened. We're going to work, the boys are going to school, we grab a pizza now and then, we argue about homework and fold laundry. I suppose this is what we should be doing but is seems so...wrong. Some days I want to run outside and scream, "HOW CAN EVERYONE GO ON LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED?" But instead I grab my bag and my keys, get in my car and go nothing happened. The whole thing is very odd to me. I realize that physically and emotionally that your body cannot survive in that intense grief mode for long periods of time. But it's only been 8 weeks. Shouldn't I still be a mess?

I talk to Dad daily. I say goodbye to his pictures and ashes each morning as I walk out the door. I still have a relationship with Dad - it's just different. It's not the relationship I want, but it's the relationship I have. I'm learning to be ok with that.